and my friend said

And my friend said

Don’t talk about it.  Quit thinking about it.  One day,  it’ll  make you look back and think “this, THIS was bothering me?” 

And does anyone ever tell us to shut up about our problems? 

They sympathise.  Let us wallow in our misery and even encourage a little rant.  

But is that the best for us?  

I don’t think so. 

Not always. 

Sometimes it’s better to shut up and suck it up.  

Take a step forward.  Keep moving.  Not looking back,  reminding ourselves of the misery and pain of what hurt us. 

I am still learning how it works.  Maybe I’ll forget I had a pain point ever.  Maybe I won’t.  But is it worth a try?  Why not?  What have we achieved by endless rants and useless validation? 

A reminder. 

Of pain

We don’t need that. 

At least I hope we don’t because forgetting pain while reminding ourselves of it seems like a paradox not worth testing. 
So stop.  Quit talking about it.  Quit it.  Its bad.  One day,  you’ll forget it. 

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And my friend said

We will laugh at all this a few years down the line

And boy wasn’t he right. 
Because,  no matter what you think  right now,  what place you’re in right now and what is happening to you right now.  IT WILL CHANGE.  
For better or for worse.  I do not know.  But things will change and you’ll be ahead of whatever you have been thinking,  doing and what has happened to you.
  You’ll  be a completely different person living a different reality and if you’re not,  you went wrong somewhere.  Learn and absorb.  That’s what my friend says.  And change and adapt. That’s what my friend says.  
So why not think about the future like this,  about how we’ll  be changed and beautiful in entirety rather than fretting about how things will turn  out.
Its about how we will turn out.  And laugh at all the damn stupidity we got ourselves worked up for. 

So let’s turn out Fucking fabulous and wholly changing all the time,  every moment, laughing away the change and not taking life too seriously. 

And then my friend said

You’re not a container full of finite sand that you spent

Am I not? 

Am I an infinity? 

I wonder.  I don’t know the answer to this but what I do know is that she is true.  That when she says I am eternal and nothing is spent,  she means it from the bottom of her heart.  Maybe I am.  She makes me believe.  

Maybe I’m more than I give myself credit for.

  Maybe I am more than my past memories and spent days in melancholy.  Maybe I am more than remembered songs and innumerable shared laughter.  Maybe I am more than the sadness in my heart and the doubt in my mind.  Maybe I am more than my writing and my wandering wondering.

Maybe.  Just maybe.  I am infinite.  Full of myselfness and things infinite that make me every moment.  Things that never disappear into nothingness but keep on making me more me.  

Maybe I am infinite. 

And then my friend said…

What’s important is that you see why you have to miss him And not be with him. 

And I never saw it this way.  That it’s okay to miss someone and not be with them. It’s okay to miss someone. It is.  It really really is.  

It is also okay to not have them around every time. 

It’s just as simple.  

That’s it. 

So go miss people all you want knowing that there is a reason they’re not in your life and be okay with it. 

And then my fried said. 

I couldn’t have forgiven all that you’ve forgiven

But really though.  I hadn’t.  I had thought I had forgiven but I had just let things hang around like and albatross on the neck and tried to deal with seeing the lie  the deceit,   the mean hurtfullness and the abundance of disregard every single day.  Yes.  I had said the words.  I forgive you.  I had put on a pretence of putting the relationships in right places and agreed to myself that I will think this did not happen.  I was wrong.  This is not how it works.  To forgive,  really you must accept what happened and not pretend like it never did.  Forgiveness is not forgetting.  Forgiveness is  to forfeit your claim on the crime and let things happen like they’re happening now,  without being clouded over by what happened. Forgiveness comes to me now,  now when I understand why what happened happened and can take a step back and say “it’s okay,  I hope it never happens again”.  Now when I can love with the same force as before I knew about the bad deeds.  Now when I can see the same person who hurt me with eyes not clouded by their actions.  So. Dear friend. It looked like I forgave a lot but I didn’t.  I just tried to .  It took a lot to even come to a point where I decided to forgive certain things but I couldn’t completely understand the dynamics of Forgiveness then.  So I didn’t forgive what you couldn’t ,  but I tried and that’s taken me places I couldn’t have seen without deciding to try. 

And my friend said.. 

​Seems like everybody is progressing, and I’m stuck on the same page.

And that’s how I was feeling.  Like I was circling down the same damn sewer in the same bad water every day. There was no change.  Nothing to look forward to.  Nothing to look back upon.  There was a feeling of sameness to everything.  I say was because  I got better.  It was a disease and I didn’t know it at that time but eventually, I did.  What I thought was a horrible existence meant to punish me for some cosmical sin,  was in fact a manifestation of depression in its rawest form. The similarity between day and night, between one person and another and between moments of apparent sadness and happiness.  Everything is the same coloured with the same hues of the bad sewer water. There is a feeling of helplessness that arises out of this sameness.  The pungent odour of one’s own life doesn’t  seem recognisable to us anymore.  That is why helplessness.  We feel things but we  don’t know why we’re so unfeeling and generally sad.  This feeling is best described as being stuck on the same page for as long as possible.

It is a tremendous feeling of great proportions which makes you feel hollow. Unable to feel.  Unable to know.   There is a void of what could have been and what is.  This void seems forever unfilled and ever growing. It is when I was at this stage that I realised something was wrong. 

And my friend recognised that feeling so correctly.  She felt it.  We all feel it.  Some times.  Some others feel it all the time most of the time and this is to tell you that that feeling is walking on thin ice.  It is a dangerous indicator of things far worse.  It’s just the tip of an iceberg.  A tip so deep you’ll  waste ages in a  circling drain trying to fathom some sense out of the vague vast feeling this is.. 

In the end, my friend said something which sparked off a lot of emotion in me.  I am feeling now.  Every word anyone says is a new story to me.  Every day a different page.  I never want to go back to circling the drain ever again. Not ever. 

And my friend said

“You have to stop blaming the disease

And boy wasn’t he right.

I mean, I would go on and on about how I can’t do this because I have my disease or that happens because it’s a part of my disease and what not because of my disease. To tell the truth, yes, some things happened because of my disease but everything didn’t. 

Sometimes, we just latch on to something we can blame things on and don’t leave it’s side till we have satisfied ourselves by rationalising all the bad things in our lives because of that thing.

There will always be those things that could have been the reason something happened but that doesn’t mean we stop taking responsibility for our actions. That’s what blame does, it makes us feel free of any responsibility we might have towards an action or a decision we took. We need to stop doing that. We need to stop doing that because whatever compels us to do things , when we do the wrong thing, it’s on us because we always had the power to not just like when we did the right thing. It is bullshit to think we didn’t have the power.  I spent three years of my life believing I was right when I was not and the thing is, I was not. I just was not right. So when I came to my senses I tried blaming all the things in this world for my actions, anything that would explain why I was so mean or cruel or just plain unreasonable. The truth is, I had a disease which made me do certain things but the harder truth is, it only made me do a  certain amount of things, it wasn’t liable for everything. I was. 

So when my friend said that I can’t do this all the time, I realised that I couldn’t just really actually do this all the time. It’s so simple sometimes that a thing you’ve been trying to grasp at for ages becomes lucid when someone who cares immensely about you tell you the same. 

So I use this space to tell you that you need to stop blaming anything or anyone for anything at all. It’s okay if the blame is right but blaming won’t change a thing, chinning up and taking responsibility and trying to change things will.

 So did I. 

I stopped blaming the disease. It was not the end of the world. Neither was it the stars and the moon, it just wasn’t. It is just a disease and I am just a person and together we do things but not everything and definitely not always the bad things.