not so pretty.

The sea

Is judging us.

Its calm beauty

Unwavered.

Its flow

Uninterrupted 

Our pasts

Unimportant 

Our sadness 

Unnoticed

The sea 

Is judging 

Our petty issues

Our lovers quarrels 

And our broken hearts

The sea has been broken

Polluted

It carries the dead 

In its arms

It has been redirected

Lead to barrenness 

It carries the reminders

Of every breath that

Dipped in unthankfully

Unknowing

That the sea 

Is judging us. 

It has grief beyond

A hundred lifetimes 

Of our pain and anguish

The sea judges us

Because it says

Flow

Free

Undying in your faith

Move

Move your battle away from the time

When you felt like your trust was taken piece by piece and shot down until it was beyond repair. 

Move your battle away from the feeling 

When your heart skipped a beat,  not in love but surrounded by fear and insecurity. 

Move your battle away from the life

Where you lived in a paranoia, an illusion that they were out to get you and you had to escape. 

Move your battle away from the hell

That you gave yourself for falling weak in your knees and giving yourself away for too little. 

Move your battle away from the death

Of happiness inside your body where every cell within you cried and hoped it would cease to exist. 

Move your battle away from the battles that need to be left alone.  The battles you don’t have to fight.  The battles you’re not meant to deal with.  

Your battle is life.  It is living.  Now.  Not then when things were happier or worse.  Now.  

Right fucking  now. 

Live. 

Fight the battle to live.  To feel.  To believe.  To recover.  

To love. 

Yourself first.  

The seventy fifth time

For 

The seventy fifth time I repeat. 

It’s okay. 

It’s a ritual of each breath 

Breathe in

Breathe out

Caught myself from falling down

And Collapsing in a heap

Bitter judgement 

Better thoughts

Are yet to come. 

For

The seventy fifth time I repeat

It’s okay

Believing in my voice

Is harder than before 

It falters every bit

Settles the score

Of haunted dreams

Manifested in sound

It quivers with sadness

Built on hope

For 

The seventy fifth time I repeat

It’s okay

Closing my eyes

Blocking the beauty 

Blinding me from within

Hate rising up to my eyes

Brimming with tears

Ready to gush out

Soaked with shame

Of plenty week moments

For 

The seventy fifth time I repeat

I repeat it’s okay

I repeat it’s fine

I repeat it’ll get better

I repeat the sun will be kind

The moon will care

And the body will dare

Another chance at  love

Hoping for escape 

From despair. 

I Little titles of existence 

Done

I have exhausted my capacity of loving.  I have loved you with a million little pieces of my soul.  Giving you a million little pieces of myself.  I am done. 

Finding

Now.  Its about the million little pieces of me that you threw away on the way to moving on.  Where do I search for them?   Where do I find myself? Pick me up and bind myself. 

Extract

And if I do find a piece or two lying around the old haunts,  how do I extract myself from them? I don’t have the energy. I don’t have the will.  I wander aimlessly in search for myself, not wanting to be myself. 

Grow

Why don’t I grow a million little pieces again?  Form myself whole, again. 

How?  How do you ask a flower to Bloom after it has wilted?  It dies. And seeds. There are seeds.  I have seeds.  Where do I plant them? My body feels barren. 

Fertility

Where did all the potential for my future go?  Down the drain with a million little pieces. Barren mind full of sadness, only more sadness it begets. 

I am not fertile.  I am sad.  Sadness grows on me birthing a million little pieces of sadness. 

Calming

It takes a million little breaths and slight pauses to calm myself down. To breathe fully and hope to regain enough energy to build upon the barren land a fertile Base where I can flourish once again. 

Hope

I had.  Million little pieces full of me and my hope. Lost. 

Love

I do.  Million little pieces of hard work on Unconditional and undying. Lost.

The love

Fucking love

Soul food

Bitch heart

Great start 

Time collided 

Stars burst 

Window broke

Time slowed

Tears rolled

Sinners spoke

Lovers tiff

Hearts broke

Twenty times 

Shut up

Cried away

Build homes

Sadness stayed

Fucking love

Soul crushed

Tempers rose

Standing dying

Biting lips

Keep change

Crushed teeth

Hells risk

Hoped beyond

Nothing came

Someone said

Hurry up

Don’t start

Finish up

Empty handed 

Who knew

Love beheaded

Fucking love

Spoke again 

Fucking love 

Walked again