happiness

Move

Move your battle away from the time

When you felt like your trust was taken piece by piece and shot down until it was beyond repair. 

Move your battle away from the feeling 

When your heart skipped a beat,  not in love but surrounded by fear and insecurity. 

Move your battle away from the life

Where you lived in a paranoia, an illusion that they were out to get you and you had to escape. 

Move your battle away from the hell

That you gave yourself for falling weak in your knees and giving yourself away for too little. 

Move your battle away from the death

Of happiness inside your body where every cell within you cried and hoped it would cease to exist. 

Move your battle away from the battles that need to be left alone.  The battles you don’t have to fight.  The battles you’re not meant to deal with.  

Your battle is life.  It is living.  Now.  Not then when things were happier or worse.  Now.  

Right fucking  now. 

Live. 

Fight the battle to live.  To feel.  To believe.  To recover.  

To love. 

Yourself first.  

Fault lines

What if I had the smoothest soul
The one of the most flawless kind
There would still be fault lines hidden
Hidden so impeccably
Rending their complicity and staying out of sight
Making the illusion complete.
My love. My love. My only love.
Those would still be fault lines
And they would still be what they are
Reminders of fractured moments
I wonder how you would ever know me
If you didn’t see them clearly
And so this flawless soul of the rare kind
Would rest in the most rare body
And I , I am not its keeper
Not in a million years
I wouldn’t want you to imagine that I could house such a farce
Because what if the smoothest soul
Tripped you over itself
And laughed at your own imperfect one?
Never conceding to the hidden fault lines
Never taking responsibility for existence of any fault lines.

Firing shots.

If anybody ever doubted their importance in the vast scheme of things
I would just want to run up to them and ask them about everybody they hurt
No, not the ones they made happy
People want to be happy.
They let you make them happy because they pull along better on the happiness front with the extra effort you put in. The ones you hurt. Oh the ones you hurt. They never wanted any of what you gave them. They probably were waiting for you to put in your share of effort to make them happy, happier. Not take some away. Take a lot away. Those were the people in whose life you mattered . The ones who let you make them feel like trash because of your importance in their scheme of things. It is very essential to remember them. Never ever forget them. No.
I don’t deny that making someone happier isn’t important. Making a sad person happy is even more important. It takes an immense amount of energy to do that. There is hard work and perseverance required. It is commendable that you did it. It reflects on how much they matter to you. Deep down there, they’re helping you make them happy. It’s great but I believe that making a happy person sad is the most important . Despite themselves, their desire to not accept your bullshit and with the knowledge of what you are doing to them, those people took it or whatever form of resistance they offered was too weak and the ones who were truly oppressed , they despised you with their heart and probably eventually got rid of you. In all of it all, you were there, at the centre firing shots.
It tells you how much difference you’ve made . You have taken a person and given them pain and anguish and scars and everything everyone detests
It tells you that if it hurt, it mattered and if it mattered , you mattered.
Thus, in lonely times when you have been hurt by someone you gave the power to hurt you, remember, you were there too, on the other side.
So if this remembrance makes you loathe yourself, you might want do something about it.
More commonly, if it makes you realize of the power you end up holding whether you like it or not, then also you might want to do something about it.

Breaking

I wonder if my bones are up for it
Another collapse of a colossal kind
And the collateral is to be dealt with too
But my bones
My bones, if they break
They’ll heal
And be remade into new ones
On some days.
But on that day
My skull might crack
And never heal back
And my spine might snap into two
Not like the old branch but like the young, sap filled one
And my wrist might turn
And be held by just tissue
A lolling mass of gruesome contortions
I’ll talk myself into it without a second thought
I’ll talk you out of it
Without a second thought
I’ll get my bones ready to break
And on that day
I won’t .

तुम

I sincerely apologize for all the spelling mistakes. Really, no more typing in hindi.

कभी किसी अनजान गली में

खुद को इस कदर खो बैठो कि

अपनी परछाई भी परायी लगे

और हवा का हर झोंका कहीं

किनारे से दूर ले जाता दिखे

तब खोज निकलुंगी तुम्हे मैं

कोई शक की गुंजायिश नहीं

कलायी थाम कर बैठाउन्गि

और तुम्हे तुमको लौटाउन्गी

हर एक ख्वाब हर एक बात

एक एक सांस तुम्हारी

मेह्फुज है मेरी जलती रगों में

धीरे धीरे तुम्हारे नाम करुंगी

तुम्हारी ही हर निशानी

खाली करके अपने आप को तुमसे

तुम्हारे ही समन्दर में डूब जाउन्गी


If you ever find yourself lost, to such an extent
that even your shadow seems like a stranger
And with every gust, the wind seems to be taking you farther from the shore
At that time, I will find you
Have no doubt
I will hold you by the wrist,
Make you sit down and I
Will return to you, every dream
Every word, each and every breath of yours
All safe in my burning blood vessels
Slowly slowly I will give back to you
Every trace of yours
I will empty myself of you
And drown myself in the ocean of you.

And then my friend says..

That I never see all the good things. Somehow, all the niceness of the world passes me by and the badness sticks to my brain. She believes the food for my thought is this, the bad things. Things maybe we should ignore and let go.

She says to me

” तुम एक दिन realize करोगी कि सब कितना अच्छा है l”

“one day you will realize how everything is amazing”

and I say

” मुझे पता है सब कितना अच्छा है l
मुझे ये भी पता है सब कितना बुरा है l”

“I am aware of how good things are . I am also aware of how bad they are.”

” दिल की  ऐसी बातें ignore नही करतेl
सच्चाइ खुशी से ज़्यादा बडी चीज़ है l ”

” We don’t ignore such things that our heart notices. Truth is bigger than happiness . ”

Is it not, really?

at times we just shut ourselves up so that something which makes us happy won’t be overpowered by something which won’t. If ones faith in their current state of happiness is so strong that it makes them oblivious to anything that would disturb it, I believe that’s a blessing. What of us ?
I guess we carry on till we reach somewhere happier than sadder.