help

Move

Move your battle away from the time

When you felt like your trust was taken piece by piece and shot down until it was beyond repair. 

Move your battle away from the feeling 

When your heart skipped a beat,  not in love but surrounded by fear and insecurity. 

Move your battle away from the life

Where you lived in a paranoia, an illusion that they were out to get you and you had to escape. 

Move your battle away from the hell

That you gave yourself for falling weak in your knees and giving yourself away for too little. 

Move your battle away from the death

Of happiness inside your body where every cell within you cried and hoped it would cease to exist. 

Move your battle away from the battles that need to be left alone.  The battles you don’t have to fight.  The battles you’re not meant to deal with.  

Your battle is life.  It is living.  Now.  Not then when things were happier or worse.  Now.  

Right fucking  now. 

Live. 

Fight the battle to live.  To feel.  To believe.  To recover.  

To love. 

Yourself first.  

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And my friend said

“You have to stop blaming the disease

And boy wasn’t he right.

I mean, I would go on and on about how I can’t do this because I have my disease or that happens because it’s a part of my disease and what not because of my disease. To tell the truth, yes, some things happened because of my disease but everything didn’t. 

Sometimes, we just latch on to something we can blame things on and don’t leave it’s side till we have satisfied ourselves by rationalising all the bad things in our lives because of that thing.

There will always be those things that could have been the reason something happened but that doesn’t mean we stop taking responsibility for our actions. That’s what blame does, it makes us feel free of any responsibility we might have towards an action or a decision we took. We need to stop doing that. We need to stop doing that because whatever compels us to do things , when we do the wrong thing, it’s on us because we always had the power to not just like when we did the right thing. It is bullshit to think we didn’t have the power.  I spent three years of my life believing I was right when I was not and the thing is, I was not. I just was not right. So when I came to my senses I tried blaming all the things in this world for my actions, anything that would explain why I was so mean or cruel or just plain unreasonable. The truth is, I had a disease which made me do certain things but the harder truth is, it only made me do a  certain amount of things, it wasn’t liable for everything. I was. 

So when my friend said that I can’t do this all the time, I realised that I couldn’t just really actually do this all the time. It’s so simple sometimes that a thing you’ve been trying to grasp at for ages becomes lucid when someone who cares immensely about you tell you the same. 

So I use this space to tell you that you need to stop blaming anything or anyone for anything at all. It’s okay if the blame is right but blaming won’t change a thing, chinning up and taking responsibility and trying to change things will.

 So did I. 

I stopped blaming the disease. It was not the end of the world. Neither was it the stars and the moon, it just wasn’t. It is just a disease and I am just a person and together we do things but not everything and definitely not always the bad things.