I feel for you.  I Don’t receive that feeling from you. 

And that expectation kills my drive to be a friend to you. Because it feels like unrequited love and it makes me feel,  makes me feel wasted. Unappreciated. Lost.  Used. 
Like I was a plaything for you. Like you loved me till you did and then you just didn’t.  And I didn’t stop loving you. 
Do you know how hard that is. 
That there are tears in my eyes if I even think about what I feel for you.  The depth is staggering.  
It’s a place which drove me mad and now I have to overcome it.  
Somehow deny a huge part of me that loves you. 
How does one do that?

There’s no end to the misery I can make myself go through on your behalf.  
Yet I have to somehow overcome it.  Because I can’t suffer forever. 

No one’s to blame. 

But every time I look within. There’s a part of my heart that demands recognition. Which says,  to love you,  to wallow and surrender to this love for you an burn myself in the process. 
I ignore it. 

That’s how we move on? Right? We forget. 
Forgetting you is leaving a part of myself behind till I regain enough energy and experience to replace it. 
Till then I walk through fire. 

And you.  

I wished you did too. But then that’d make two of us and how can I wish so much pain to someone. 
So you.  You be.


That side

You are wild.  I would know. 

You run like the wind.  I do know. 

You are brave,  I have seen you

Believe me I know you have courage

You are marvellous. 

You are the beauty of the nature. 

I have seen it.  I have seen it all. 

So what if the wicked stays in the shadow

And the lying plays a game or two

You are not made of that.  

You are the better kind. 

The better race of the better mind. 

Ye bhi ek hisaab

This one here depicts how we as human beings are not compulsively true to other people. So when we decide to be true, tell the truth and go for it, it is almost like a contract with another person which is expected to be fulfilled by both of them. What does one do when the other person doesn’t fulfill the contract?

Sachchai ka hisaab bhi to saude kaa hi hai
Aankhon ka sauda
Haathon ka sauda
Honthon ka sauda
Baaton ka sauda
Kar liya humne bhi tumse ye sauda
Par humein mila kyaa apnaa sach baant kar
Tumhare sach ki khaamoshii
Aur dheeme se kahe jhoot ki goonj
Dekhte reh jaate hain hum bhi
Neechi aankhen
Peeche hat-te haath
Kaampte honth
Aur baatein  jo baatein hi reh jati hain
Ye kaisa sauda kiya humne
Na koi fayda hai
Bas dhokha hai
Humari aankhein to nahi katraati
Humare haath nahi lad-khadaate
Na humaare honthon se nikli baatein banavati hai
To kaho kaise karein ye sauda poora
Insaaf ki chaah to hum me bhi hai
Bol len kuch jhooth hum bhi
Le lein badla hum bhi is nuksaan ka

It is what it is

If you want to talk about beautiful things
Don’t bring the broken heart in between.
It is not a thing to be commended, taught to be worshipped because it is the hard earned box of wisdom
Or awaited due to it’s commonplace presence.
It is none. No. Not even close.
It is just silent, consistent breaking, like breathing.
God forbid if it was a crash landing,
Then it might seem like a massacre
Or else, just gradual fragmentation.
Either way, there is no enigmatic wonder, no sad charm
Don’t place magic where there is none, it is deceitful.
In future if I become a liar, I may describe the wonderful ecstasy of the pain
But if I stay true to the truth
And I pen this down so you can throw it in my face if I tell you any different,
I would tell you nice and proper
A broken heart is a broken heart
No matter what spin you put to it.

And then my friend says..

That I never see all the good things. Somehow, all the niceness of the world passes me by and the badness sticks to my brain. She believes the food for my thought is this, the bad things. Things maybe we should ignore and let go.

She says to me

” तुम एक दिन realize करोगी कि सब कितना अच्छा है l”

“one day you will realize how everything is amazing”

and I say

” मुझे पता है सब कितना अच्छा है l
मुझे ये भी पता है सब कितना बुरा है l”

“I am aware of how good things are . I am also aware of how bad they are.”

” दिल की  ऐसी बातें ignore नही करतेl
सच्चाइ खुशी से ज़्यादा बडी चीज़ है l ”

” We don’t ignore such things that our heart notices. Truth is bigger than happiness . ”

Is it not, really?

at times we just shut ourselves up so that something which makes us happy won’t be overpowered by something which won’t. If ones faith in their current state of happiness is so strong that it makes them oblivious to anything that would disturb it, I believe that’s a blessing. What of us ?
I guess we carry on till we reach somewhere happier than sadder.